So it is official that I am taking a leave of absence from my life. SO you might think what is she talking about? Well i will explain it and i may be very random with my thoughts but i am thinking as i write....
So i feel very restless and always on the verge of a outbreak... so i was thinking what does this all have to do with, then i thought about it and i feel and keep on feeling a discontentment with my relationship with God. So much that it gives me anxiety. I see that I have other Gods that I put above him,,, Working out, researching good dinners to make for my family, finding the perfect fabric to make curtains, looking at sites about pregnancy--(HA yes i know a little obsessed=)....) NOW i am not saying that it is wrong to do those things but i put them over spending that "research" time with God. I want to be so consumed with finding Him and his word and hearing him speak to me as I am with finding the perfect curtain, or the dumbest web site to make me feel that i could be pregnant or the best work out plan to get Madonnas arms( a little less manly but i dig her body)..I'm not a computer junkie but i can say that i invest more time into these things than i have into spending that kind of time with GOd. Asking him to transform the more important part of me... the INSIDE,and asking him to take care of family and watch over them and asking him to open up in me the parts that are hiding behind fear or insecurities that i might have.
I am so tired of people. Fake people. I feel that to be honest my church is full of them and it makes me want to scream. Makes me realize how much i love our tribe that we go to( have not been lately but will get back into the swing of things).
But then i think about it and i think what a SAD place to be in. to be so self absorbed and consumed with yourself. AH i don't mean to dawg on my church there are some GREAT people there and the pastor heart is awesome. I think that when peoples TRUE colors come out and it feels like everyone is FAKE can make you feel like you have no one cause if feels like all at once everyone takes off their masks...scary shit man.... I dont use that language unless i mean it and i do.
I want to show Nalia LIFE, CHRIST, BEAUTY, SELFLESSNESS ..so from the 7th until June 1st i will show her CHrist in all areas of life, inside and out. We will go to a nursing home and give old people flowers,,, deliver some flowers at some random persons house who needs to know someone thinks they deserve flowers and thought., buy a special gift for someone special, give to someone in need,help at the soup kitchen, ...ect. I want to show her LOVE, COMPASSION, ,,, So you may be thinking that she is only 20 months what can she remember. I think that she may not have memory of this time in her life but I KNOW that i have embedded something into her soul and that is what im talking about. I feel that I wont forever have this time with just her and I and i so want to take advantage of it. I want her to see me on my knees praying to God and have her join me. To show her how humble I am before my Father. Though at times it feels like i have to get cracked with a bat behind my knees to go down. But no matter how stubborn I am I end up that way.
I will in some ways be out of service. My life from the 7th to June 1st will be consumed with reading, praying, Nalia and my husband. Its like im going on a vacation and a fast from life to step outside myself.
i want to have a prayer life so real that its like im sitting there having coffee with God, telling him about my friends, family, fears,my wants, worries, marriage, what happened that day that made me mad, or made me smile. i want to feel his presence when Im weeping cause Im so hurt, or weeping on behalf of someone hurts. I want Christ to break my heart with what breaks his.i want to feel it so heavy that it brings me to tears..I am not a very emotional person and i want to be. well i want to feel that tears are not a sign of weakness.. i want to be so in tune to him that I can stop a stranger and ask him/her " can i pray for you"? I want to go back to the olden bible days where people were being healed on the streets..people being raised from the dead. I want to worship God CAREFREE without caring that others think. I want to loose the pride that I have.,i am not DUMB and thinking that this will change over night, i know that it is a process... But i am tired of feeling half assed with the time that I spend with God and feeling like Im FITTING him into my day, when I should be rejoicing that I am living it in the first place. I used to feel horrible if i missed a day working out but I want to feel lonely, sad, empty when i dont stop and spend quality time with GOD.
Now i also want to go to another country and see the way that people live. Im not taking about a cruise or relaxing on a beach i mean going to Romania where trav went a few times. To a orphanage where kids rock themselves and rub a blanket on their face cause they are never held or touched. I want to hold each and every one.. tell them that there is a God who loves them and always has his arms wrapped around them so there is no need to rock....just close your eyes and let his presence consume you. I want to just leave and not be around selfish americans. I want to learn something there.. something that only i can learn in true poverty. I want Nalia to see the other side of the world and see what she really can live with-out and what really is important....
Trav and I are at a place in our marriage where we off track with Christ and finding time to quietly spend w/him. Now let me clear something up.. we pray sincere prayers read the bible, live a life of Love. But that is not enough for US, we want more....
I know that I dont have self control where I need to have it in my marriage. Sometimes i wish that I was not born with a tongue. Heck i bet trav wishes that more that I do... I have a ugly side that needs to have control over and that is possible. Through prayer, reading Scripture...I am one of those people that if not im not daily spending time with God then my marriage is a mess. God does not lend me a GRACE period,... its either all or nothing, I want to transform my marriage and only Christ can do that, i want my man to know that I RESPECT him and will follow him, To know that I pray for him before i pray for myself.. To know that I am half writing all this and re-vamping "ME" so that him and i can be rock solid... I want him and I to be a team... To push through together the HARD TIMES and and sway in slow motion through the sweet times in life. I want to tell him things in productive ways and use a sweet tone...
I want Nalia to grow up seeing a mom that RESPECTS her daddy, but also a strong willed mommy who will voice her opinion with Christ like LOVE and TACT.....
I think this is why i have not YET been blessed to be pregnant again. I would of had my baby 4 weeks from today, I KNOW that he would of came on June 6th. My dads birthday. Guess what though i think i will be pregnant by June!=) well see.. i say that every month haha...but i really think this time...
to sum this all up , I am so tired of where i have been with Christ and who I am to my husband. So if I seem like i have fallen off the face of the earth that is only cause i am taking a leave of absence.....
Jvon and Lavenda... part of my reason for writing this was so that you could hear my thoughts since we dont talk on phone much....well ever so far since you have moved to Spain and Australia.
